Sex Ed - Revised

So the other day I was thinking about how terrible my sex ed class was. We had our principle teach us everything and on top of that everything we learned we will never use unless we are a doctor. That lead me to start thinking about how I would teach the class and I realized how awesome of a sex ed teacher I would be.
First day on the job, FIELD TRIP! I would take the class to a local strip club and pay a stripper to watch the class for an hour. This is how i would introduce her: "Hello kids, this is Delilah and she is hiding a banana somewhere. You assignment is to find out where!" I would then turn and walk out.
You see, that is how my father taught me, but we are poor folk and the only stripper we could afford was a 6'8" 400lb. BEAST. That made the search for the banana so much harder. I had to dig under folds and flabs till I finally found it in a place I never even thought of looking in.
The second day I would teach on condoms and why you should always double wrap it. I will also throw in my two sense about flavored condoms and jellies, we don't need our areas tasting like cool-aid.
And finally the third day I would teach about snowballing and why it is such a bogus move. Spit or swallow is a job that should be left up to the ladies, they should not pass that decision over to us because we cant handle it. Us guys have a hard enough time picking out socks in the morning we don't wanna have to face the decision of swallowing our own jizz. Every guy will have the thought go thru his mind "if I swallow does that make me gay?" and that just isn't fair.
The rest of the semester would be spent on S.T.D.s and trips to see people dieing of A.I.D.S. to scare the shit out of the kids.

My New Diet

This week I made a major decision in my life, I am going to watch what I eat to gain a competitive edge in sports. Now the question is which diet to choose from?
I could try the Slim Fast diet but it probably wont help me much because I'm skinny enough as is. Maybe if I ate nothing but pastas and meat I could beef up a little. Then it hit me like daddy hit mommy, what do almost all major basketball stars have in common?
I think you all know where I'm going with this. In order to get a tan I'm going to eat nothing but chicken and watermelon. I even did my research and have proof that it works. You see Micheal Jackson? He stopped eating his chicken and watermelon; and we all know what happened to him, he faded.
The tan will directly influence my mad basketball skills and I will be one step closer to being the next LeBron James. You may laugh at me now but when I'm leaving you in the dust out on the court I'll be the one laughing.